Listening to Change

“Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.” ― Alan Alda, Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: And Other Things I've Learned

You aren't really listening unless you are willing to change based on what you hear. That doesn't mean that you have to completely accept everything that you hear, but that you are willing to adjust your thinking based on what the other person says. Taking this approach to listening means that you listen more critically and attempt to understand what the other is saying or perhaps not saying.

Unfortunately, many people interact with you simply to respond. As you are talking, they are actively thinking of their arguments to what you are saying. This means that they already have decided that what you have to say isn't going to change their point of view, even minimally.

It's interesting to me that you see this listening to respond even among professional interviewers when they ask a question which the interviewee just explained to them. The interviewer was not really listening but was waiting to respond at the first opportunity. Even the best interviewers are sometimes guilty of this error. 

Imagine, then what happens when you are listening to someone with whom you really disagree. It becomes even more difficult when you know what they are saying has no basis in fact. The objective, here, is to try to determine where they are coming from. That is, what motivates their views. This can be hard since the motivations are often not related specifically to the subject being discussed.

For example, often the radical right doesn't really believe what they are saying. Often, they take a stance just to "own the libs". This type of argument is very difficult to deal with primarily because you both really agree, but because the antagonist values owning the libs over everything else, they will not change their minds on the topic. They really aren't arguing the topic, but arguing just to own their opponent.

But, if you want to accomplish anything, it is up to you to see if you can find anything which will allow the other to change even a little aspect of their thinking. You need to really listen to what they are saying and try to understand the motivations behind it in order to see if there is anything on which you can build. Be aware that this may take several sessions, but if you are really listening you may hear something on which you can build.